The ETERNALS

Jeri Jacquin

Currently streaming on Disney+ from Marvel Studios and director Chloe Zhao is the ETERNALS.

So, here we go with the start of a monolith filled with CLASH OF THE TITANS, I mean Eternals, apparently in an early craft-version without Hal from the 2001 and 2010 films. They arrive on earth with their powers to help the helpless people inhabiting the planet. Robb Stark, I mean Ikaris (Richard Madden), is back to fight off what look like the little annoying cousins of the Krakken along with Anita from HUMANS, I mean Sersi (Gemma Chan). Maleficient, I mean Thena (Angelina Jolie), throws around her lightening staff taking at least three to four minutes to kill said annoying creepy cousin.

In present day, Jon Snow, I mean Dane (Kit Harington), is a professor and teaches along with Sersi (which if you think about it is a little creepy, I mean didn’t Rob Stark die because of Sersi and didn’t Jon Snow fight Sersi already for gawd sake?). When the creepy Krakken cousins reappear, Ikaris turns up and there is a brotherly Stark reunion. Now Sersi has to explain why the Eternals are on earth and Sprite (Lia McHugh) is looking for a good fight.

Are you with me so far? Good, because there are Babylon 575 BC flashbacks that are kind of unnecessary except it gives Ajak (Selma Hayek) a chance to say they Deviants are being kept at bay. Phastos (Brian Henry), Druig (Barry Keoghan), Makkari (Lauren Ridloff), Gilgamesh (Ma Dong-seok), Kingo (Kumail Nanjiani) and the rest hang out to tell the peasant population CGI stories reminiscent of STARGATE and STAR WARS which is coincidental since the Eternals are from the stars as well.  

Now, Ikaris and Sersi are supposedly all gooey for each other with the “I am yours” (was waiting for “and you are mine” to finish the GOT reference). Moving to the Gupta Empire, they run away for a colorful wedding with everyone watching. Back to present day as dark clouds loom, apparently even the gods get a divorce because Sersi is now with Dane, and they are looking for Ajak but someone else has gotten there first.

Sersi finally gets to talk to a stone tiki called Arishem (David Kaye) but we are not to privy to that conversation. Now back to a flash back and this time they are in Tenochitlan in 1521 AD (gawd my head is spinning, and I don’t know if it’s a temporary bout with insanity or ridicuousness) and it is the last place the Deviants are found. Except now Maleficient, sorry Thena is going on a rampage yet that would be expected right? You can not be a good girl all the time.

Druig decides he has had enough of humans being bad to one another and that pits their beliefs against one another – ahhhh immortal sibling rivalry. But, with the Deviants gone, there is no need for these outer space superheroes to stick together. So, Ajak tells them they are free to go!

Fast forward to present day Mumbai, Kingo is working the Bollywood circuit but Sersi, Ikaris and Sprite let him know he is needed. They also find Gilgamesh who is taking care of Thena who still seems to be a bit out of it. Still, they sit around the table talking about the Avengers, but Sersi runs off to have a conversation with Arishem about celestial seed farming. Apparently, now that the world is ‘full’, something called the Emergence wants to drive it until everything is empty again.

Arishem goes on to give us a lesson on gravity, heat and light – blah, blah, blah. Not even popcorn is going to save me. So apparently all life is going to die blah, blah, blah. Once again, Sersi/Anita finds out the yucky repetitive truth that Arishem is no better than the dude who created THE MATRIX. Time to call Will Smith and claim his I, ROBOT.

Sersi gets to be Optimus Prime now and I am trying to stay focused on this. The rest of the group get a little pissy and Thena has an ‘I told you so’ look on her face. Ikaris takes the group to the Amazon to find Druig who is living the communal jungle lama life. Once they tell him what’s what, his dander is up, and he is not about to give warm hugs to any of them.

Sucking the life out of the Eternals, the Deviant finally speaks and makes it clear he has a score to settle all while Thena gets to fall down weeping. Flashback time! Now in 1945 Hiroshima Phastos thinks humanity is not worth saving (speak for yourself since you started some of it dude!) and jump to present day he is now sitting around the table with Ikaris and Sersi saying he will not help. Of course, he is guilted into it by family (insert huge eye roll and sigh here).

Back in the desert of gawd knows where, they magically dig up the monolith-ship-thing where Makkari has been collecting and living. Then Ikaris is in South Dakota six days from I do not know whining with Ajak on her front porch in the middle of nowhere now blaming Thanos for everything (good gawd really?) or maybe global warming I am not sure.

As the ETERNALS split into two camps and have it out – I am over it.  

Madden as Ikaris has his hands full dealing with 7,000 years of dealing with humans as well as the rest of the eternals. He’s the big brother to the rest and is just as moody with laser eyes that do not seem to do much. Chan as Sersi has to deal with the news she is dealt about the Eternals but its even more so when she has to take over the lead with no experience in how to do that.

Jolie as Thena is crazy moody and do not let her get back in the warrior phase or you could lose a body part. Not sure what her purpose is other than being a bit nutty but okay, I could have done without the muddled accent that I have heard her do TOMB RAIDER. Dong-seok as Gilgamesh is the only one that can keep Thena’s bouts at bay, apparently is a heck of a chef and is good in a fight.

McHugh as Sprite is just that, a tiny sprite of a thing who has been with Sersi since the Eternal split up going their separate ways. She’s smarter than anyone gives her credit for. Nanjiani as Kingo has gone from a ‘superhero’ to a narcissist who needs a camera and a valet more than air apparently.

Keoghan as Druig has a serious mind of his own and is not afraid to make it clear that 7,000 years and the new info has not changed anything. He has a sharp wit that’s for sure. Hayek as Ajak gets in a moment or two but she truth and does not share it – not a good leader in my book.

Director Zhao has gone from such stellar work like NOMADLAND to this. I hope it was at least fun making.

Other cast include Hannah Dodd as Sandra, Adria Escudero as Diego, Sebastian Viveros as Jano, Bill Skarsgard as Kro, Haaz Sleiman as Ben, Esai Cross as Jack, Alan Scott as Patrick, Harish Patel as Karun, Patton Oswalt as Pip the Troll and Harry Styles as Eros.

Disney+ is the subscription home streaming entertainment with Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, National Geographic and more. There are exclusive originals with new feature films, shows, short form content, documentaries, and actions series such as THE MANDALORIAN. For more information, please visit www.disneyplus.com.

Bonus Features include Audio Commentary, Immortalized, Walks of Life, Gag Reel, Deleted Scenes, Gravity, Nostalgia, Movies and Small Talk.

ETERNALS is just a hot mess of characters that had me yelling at my television, and I hate yelling at my wonderful 70 inch colorful monstrosity. I am sure this is probably a precursor to more of the films and all I can do is scream and claw my face. I just can not anymore. Thumbs up to the actors because there are moments that are a little funny, but the rest is just blah, blah, blah.

My only relief is Kingo with his ridiculous narcissism and one liners and a few good shots from Gilgamesh. Good guys, bad guys, special powers, independent thinking, attempt at romance, regret, bad intentions, lies, truths, plans, narcissism, ‘poor me’ stories, realities and the fact that no good deed goes unpunished is all mashed up into another superhero film where the planet needs saving by someone or another. Personally, with all the destruction these superheroes do to humans and the planet, I’d rather save myself!

Staying through the end credits was an accident because I was in the middle of putting together a fairy set for my granddaughter which was much more entertaining. So, without spoiling it for anyone that dares sit through two hours and thirty-nine minutes, Harry Styles makes a colorful appearance that made me slap my forehead and cry out ‘wtf?!’ and schedule a future nail appointment.  

ETERNALS is now available on Disney+ and will be released on 4K, Blu-ray and DVD February 15.

In the end – this is their beginning story.

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